The New

What can I say? I've had writing a post on my mind for a while... Basically it comes down to this, I started the blog to record for the girls, and I think of so many growths and treasured experiences I don't want to forget with the busyness of reality.

Avery turned 3, and Rowan turned 2, the beginning of spring. For both girls I hosted a low key dinner and cake party with my parents, and a couple of close friends. For Avery's I actually picked up a Donald Duck ice cream cake from DQ. She was delighted when she saw it.

My life is so busy now. I'm working full time night shifts, and the girls go to daycare in the mornings with this amazing woman I work with. She runs a daycare from home, and I am beyond appreciative to have the new support. With Avery not napping anymore, and both needing such high energy, I couldn't function at work or with them on only a few hours of sleep daily. Their daycare is such a happy, fun place for them to interact with other kids, too.

Avery is potty trained now. It wasn't as hard as I thought. This was a huge milestone for her. We just completely took her out of diapers, dealt with the accidents, made a sticker potty chart, and for the #2, I found these little packs of toy lizards and snakes at the dollar store. Rowan is not far behind, and very interested in copying Avery, but needs a bit more time before she'll be ready.

Rowan's talking is about the cutest thing ever. She's at the stage of repeating words, but they sound like her own language as she pronounces them. She has this breathy way of saying Avery. And as Avery was at 2, the talking is so darn cute! She says flower like, "fow-fow", butterfly, "fy-fy", Avery, "A-vee", truck, "juck", garbage, "baw-gage". Hearing this and remembering Avery in this stage is already not so fresh, and it was only one year ago. I guess it's another of my incentives to write a post.

And so that's about it now. We're at such a good place now. It's been 9 months now, and although we've had different adjustments and such, I'm truly such a better mom. I'm 100% committed to them, and put them first for absolutely everything. Hence my crappy way of staying in touch with people. I guess because my only true down time is the couple nights I have off a week, I just don't feel like talking on the phone usually... But anyway, this too shall pass, as everything goes so quickly these days.

Dear Blog World,
I haven't forgotten you. I've experienced many hardships this last year, between death and divorce, that I haven't always been in the best spirits to write any updates. Being a single mother is a whole new world for me, and although positive overall, very tough tranistioning. I don't have much spare time, and when I do, I certainly don't feel like writing online.
I also have been giving a lot of thought to the blog being neglected, and for the sake of the girls, I have intentions to start something new. I don't really want any openings online to a new sense of privacy we require.
So thank you for understanding, and I leave off wishing a happy new year to all. May love conquer all sadness.

LOVE

Dear Avery and Rowan,
You are the greatest creation I have ever had the chance to call my own. I am thankful for every little smile, cuddle, and joy.
I sometimes feel so frustrated because you are both so demanding at this age, and I sometimes lose focus on the big picture, and don't always handle things perfectly.
No matter what hardships we face, and emotions in all of our transitions and change, I adore the love you bring into my life.
Thank you both.
Love, Momma. xx

Buckling Down

I felt like the meanest Mommy at bed time tonight, almost to date. Avery didn't have a nap today, and so instead of fighting with her about it, meaning her cry for 2 hours straight, instead of simply giving in- which makes afternoons with her even more miserable..... I took her into my bed with a stack of books, and when we tired of that, I laid out a bunch of blankets on the floor, closed the blinds, and put on Monsters Inc. We only cuddled for about 20 minutes, her attention span is short, but I thought she'd be ok.

I made a sausage stir fry with nice roasted potatoes, I thought she would have at least liked the potatoes, but she wouldn't eat one single bite. This is when the mean Mommy moments began. I told her she would not be able to have any milk before bed if she did not eat. I reminded her 3 or 4 times, and mentioned Rowan would have her milk because she was gladly eating. One kid won't barely touch food, and the other pigs down everything in sight. (Except veggies - typical.)

Everything was going alright until bath time. We've had Aunty D over the last few nights, so Avery wouldn't sit down in the bath, and started screaming, "I want Mommy!" basically until my friend suggested she leaves, and maybe Avery just wanted some time alone with me. I was feeling the same thing, and was happy to nurture this request. If only life was so simple to fix for a two year old... She screamed every possible antic from then on out. After not letting me brush her teeth, I figured going to bed early was the best bet. Sorry, Rowan, you too will have your turn to punish your sister with your actions, but please don't run off in the park like she does!

Long story short, Avery screamed for about 40 minutes after putting her down. I couldn't even understand what she was saying. The mix of being tired, hungry, and completely exhausted was one of the worst melt downs I have ever seen. I have no idea how she does it, but Rowan just goes to and stays sleeping through her sister's crying. In fact, she is always the quiet one of the two.

So Moms, is it when they don't want to get up for school that I will catch my break, and get some sleep? When they care that it's Saturday morning, and they want to sleep in?


Hallowe'en-- This is the only picture I could get of them side by side. They wore their costumes to play group, but they move so darn fast, it's next to impossible to get that picture of them in the same frame, let alone smiling.

Big Girl?

Guess who went potty all by herself before bed tonight? This was extremely exciting, and I get why my other mom friends even made their facebook status mention their kids doing so. She has been so irritable not napping, and basically spends the majority of her day screaming at me, so any time I mention the potty I get a very firm no in response. Keep asking, and practicing patience is all I can offer.

Working on the Milk Wean

Day 2, no milkies. Going surprisingly really, really well. We had a little bit of a melt down this morning, but nothing a snuggle can't fix. I have been mixing all of my stocked supply of pumped milk with her formula to make the transition easier. Working and being apart for up to 2 days straight has been hard on my supply, and very uncomfortable for me. And that not being my only reason, I feel that 18 months has been a beautiful time, but the time is over on my side.

Avery may just be about there with the potty. She's been getting undressed, and asking for the potty. Nothing has happened yet, but I am prepared to spend the next few days at home, and really see if she wants to go. It's been a bit tricky when they both want to sit on it, but I am hoping this big change is quick and unmessy! Ha-ha!

Avery has also decided that she does not need to nap anymore. This really sucks. I mean I love a little chance to do fun things together, but I miss my little gap of rest and me time. I have always done the majority of everything by myself, but I miss the back up at night time. I am going to change her crib into a toddler bed again soon, but I will wait this potential potty time out first because I like to introduce big changes slowly and comfortably.

Word.

Autumn

It's been a busy month, still working through transition. I'm starting another new job, and I sure hope this one works out better than the last, and I find a happy medium to float happily through the next couple of years. When they're old enough, I'd like to get the girls into a daycare program, and go to school full time. Right now it's getting used to feeling lonely. And I am letting myself feel sad, especially at night when they're sleeping, and I really feel lonely. It's good for me to embrace the sadness, so the next time I am feeling love, I will be free of this to truly fall.

I'm so happy that I have a friendship with Steve. We took the girls to the pumpkin patch a couple of days ago. It was nice having that extra set of hands for melt downs, and his really fancy camera got some beautiful shots. It was first thing in the morning, so we had the whole field to ourselves. The girls loved the wagon ride, and the goats. I was able to buy a couple of sugar pumpkins, so you know I'll be baking some pies, and freezing left over puree. This is an open invite via blog to any girlfriends who like pie... I miss having a man to eat my treats; the girls get too whacky from sugar, and my muffin top jiggles. Mental image- ha ha.





My new place is great, nice and quiet, super clean. Any girl can make a place home. The girls are doing very well through everything. I had some behavioural problems with Avery more so in the beginning, but she is back to her fun self. I am making a very big effort to keep the phone talking to a minimum, and really focus on activities for the girls and I. These moments are now.



So what's new and fun regarding the girls? Leaving my parents new house after thanksgiving dinner, Rowan went one way down the street, and Avery the other, to their neighbours house. Avery says, "It looks like a cave," and walks right into their home. They're a friendly family, and they thought it was funny. Family memory there. Avery is becoming the little songstress, singing all kinds of little rhymes and songs. Her memory blows me away, and I hope reminds people to censor their bad language around children. I have been very careful to be choosy who they can be around for this reason. Sorry potty mouths, I have a real issue with that.

Rowan is getting her eye teeth, and is in some pain. She is pointing to her eyes and nose, calling them both eyes. Super cute. She says shoe, bye-bye, hi, eyes, Mommy. She is pretty good with her signs, she pats my leg for dog instead of her own. She is definitely the cuddle bug of the two, and is usually touching me all day. I am so used to it.



There have been many moments that I think about a fun subject to write about, it's just been finding the time...

I'm Back.

Hello again, blog world. It's taken some time, but I am now finally settled into my new place, and back on track with a fresh routine, and feeling a sense of relief. This has been a tough transition for me, and probably one of the hardest things I'll ever have to go through as a mother. It's different than any other break up because with the girls, life doesn't stop. There has been no time for me to stay in bed, or mope around, or really nurture myself. Which has left me run down, and I got sick for a while. Bla.

I suffered another great loss of someone I love 4 days before my moving day. Cory, the brother of Candice, who also passed in March. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest beating, as I was closer to them than my own siblings growing up. He died at the age off 33, from cystic fibrosis. I just wish I could have seen him one more time. And although I knew this time would come earlier for him than others, I mourn this loss deeply.


A great gift since being a mother, is this new found ability to mask emotion, and deal with it privately with more tact. I am so grateful to have my children because I think keeping busy and continuing the regular hum drum of day to day life has been getting me through. Though time does heal, I will never forget either Candi or Cory, and be constantly reminded of them. I picture their mannerisms, smell, laughter, and the sound of their voices, and I so wish to remember those things forever. A quote I often think of as a mantra in this is: "To live in the hearts we leave behind is not to die," Author unknown.

Leaving that subject completely, the girls are so much happier now. After a stretch without Steve, they get a little crazy, and the overnight break is really nice for me. I go to work, but when I get home to an empty house, it is pretty lonley to get used to. I haven't been sleeping at night, especially with my babies not being in the next room. I am trying to keep in perspective that these are the chances for a healthy out. Going to a yoga class, getting groceries without tantruming toddlers, and the best of all- SLEEPING IN! It could be so easy to go out for drinks with the girls, but that life style is behind me, and adjusting to being single needs to be happy and empowering, not hidden in the bottom of a beer bottle.

And so the task of blog posting is covered again, and I am now at a place to take care of regular updates.
-Jess

The Truth

The blog post. How I have been putting off a truthful update on my reality. And so I will sum up the truth sweet and simply.

The girls and I are moving into our own place. I am separating from my husband. I am making this choice because we fight way too much. It's not good for anyone, especially the girls. I know that leaving now will rid my heavy heart of all the negativity, and make me a better mother. Happy to love and be free with the girls. I also know that it would be easy to stay for just another couple of years, and it would make the change easier for myself with them being a bit older, but it isn't being true to myself, and I need to nurture my own heart.

Steve is an absolute stand up guy. He truly deserves love as much as anyone else. We are just not compatible. I really believe it's the little things in life, and with our different interests, we just don't mesh the same way. I realise that if I don't get out now, I will not be able to maintain a friendship with him, and I truly need to provide that for my children's sake. Like I said, I could easily stay a couple of years, they go so quickly, but I know I would leave and never be able to his friend.

I am actually happy about this. Of course I have some emotions to heal, but I feel like my heart is open and free again. I am eagerly anticipating a clean home, and my independence again. I require certain freedoms I have felt very desolute from, and withdrawn socially living out in the middle of nowhere. Don't get me wrong here, being a mother is my number one priority, and I am not looking to add partying in the mix by being social. I just want to be closer to my fellow mama sisters, and my parents. Being a hermit on a hobby farm may suit some folk, but I would rather be piss poor in a cardboard box, if it meant true happiness.

I have received so much love and support via facebook and email. I haven't been very good at responding yet. I am very thankful and find strength in that support. I've just been very careful to censor anything on the Internet right now because I am waiting for the storm to pass. Just making the relationship status change was big enough, let alone airing any dirty laundry in other ways.

And so here it is, the truth behind the split from myself. I am doing the best thing for my children. Good judgment comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgment.

Row's 1st Word

Oh you know, no big deal, really...
Rowan's first word is (Drum roll, please) ----> SHOE.
This is aside from Mama which was her true first months ago. Shoe happened after nap, and the girls kept saying it back and forth to each other.

Insanity is heriditary, you get it from your kids.

Here's what drives me crazy lately:
Two year old behaviours such as repeating, demanding, yelling, hitting, biting, and any other trait I can think of that is considered very irrational. By nap or bed time, I am just as irritable as they are. I wish Avery would ask for something once, and listen to the answer I am trying to give, instead of repeating the demand over and over. She almost reminds me of a pshyco who needs to be strapped into a straight jacket, the way she repeats herself. Also extremely annoying, I am still meeting her first request, and she starts demanding the next thing. Ugh.

Now Rowan has started biting back. She's not going to take it anymore. I get it. I let it. I can not turn my back on those two for 30 seconds. As soon as Avery knows I am out of sight, the hair pull, clothing pull, hitting, you name it begins. It is driving me bonkers! I hate that I have to plug them in, that is what I call it when I have them strapped into their high chairs, with a youtube video playlist going. I can't turn my eyes on them. I don't want them in the kitchen when I am making food. Pretty reasonable rule, but if I am not paying attention to them 24/9, they scale the windows, climb onto the table, throw books at each other, pull wires, etc.

I am going to be okay. I tell myself, and truly believe that this year will be hard, but that time will only make things easier. Otherwise, I may lose my sanity. I pictured having two babies so close in age would be loving, and playing along side each other, and didn't really remember that toddlers own everything, and aside from O.C.D. tendencies, they hoard.

I love my girls, but I do love nap time. Ha-ha.

Lately

Making dough for gluten free apple bread. Couldn't keep her from eating the rice flour. Bleck!


Avery's funny face while opening a brand new pony. I don't ever buy them toys, so this was a huge surprise for her.



Avery and Rowan wading around the kiddy pool at the water park.

Little Helpers

Child labour- start them while they're young.

Convo

Our after nap conversation today:
Avery- "I know it's a blanket."
Me- "That's because you are very smart."
Avery- "I know this is a shirt."
Me- "I'm glad that you know that."
Avery- "I know that's a diaper."
Me- "Yes, Avery you are very smart."
Avery- "Mama has eyes." <-- Maybe my lack of adult conversation, but this random switch sets me into a hysteric stupor.
Avery- "Daddy has eyes, Rowan has eyes, Capone has eyes," and after listing each family member, in a very matter of fact tone, indeed being equipped with a set of eyes, she demands Lady and the Tramp.
A conversation with a toddler may just be one of life's greatest treasures.

Beach Day

Bounce!

Very intense to watch her in there. Avery's first time in a bouncy thing, as we were all calling it. (I couldn't remember the proper name.) There was a few older, rambunctious boys in there, playing roughly, as to be expected from boys. Steve had to drag her out when it was time to leave, and I felt bad not letting Rowan in, but it was too dangerous. We went to a bbq business network thing for Steve, and they had the bounce machine set up. It was nice because I didn't know anyone, and felt good to have the girls; I wasn't my usual social self.

Sickies

Last night was my worst anticipated nightmare as a mother. Avery threw up all night long, for no apparent reason. I have spent the most time away from the girls ever this past weekend, with an old friend in town, so I snuck away at appropriate times a couple days. I was watching a movie last night, in town, and I just had this huge urge to be home with my girls. I have always been a home body, never liked sleep overs, but living out of town, sometimes this is the only option. Rather than hit a deer, or fall asleep at the wheel, I drive home in the wee hours.

I got home around 11 pm, sooooo late for me. As soon as I laid down, Avery started whining something I couldn't decipher. I went into the room, stepped in something wet, got the whiff, and knew she'd thrown up everywhere. Aside from milk pukes as a baby, this was new to her, and she was saying, "I'm all full of boogers!" She didn't understand the puke. I won't lie, this was super gross. I'm a sympathy puker, and I went into Mommy robot mode, knowing there was no choice but to remain calm, and there was nothing to do but get her cleaned up.

After getting her bedding changed, and asking Daddy to make a clean bed, as well as comfort a screaming Rowan, I took Avery into the shower. She was very disturbed by the sickies washing down the drain, so I had her hold onto a turtle bath toy, and wash it's sickies off, too. The mantra was: it's ok, we're washing off the sickies. Bye bye, sickies, go down the drain. We said this over and over together while I washed her hair, and everything. Steve took over getting Avery dressed, while I consoled Rowan after. She was very unhappy to be woken up abruptly, and not have me there. Magic milkies fixes all. For Row only; I was afraid to give Avery anything.

So once the girls were back in bed, Avery had a little puke again, and I was able to clean her up without another shower or bath, so I just brought her into my bed with some towels, and let Rowan sleep undisturbed. We laid awake in bed until around 3 am, and Avery would start crying, "Mama, sickies again," sit up, and have a little sicky in a towel. She was so afraid, and it was sad, but we got through those last few pukes. Around 5 am, she woke up, and I knew she was tired, but excited to be in my bed, so I had Steve sneak her back into her own bed. We all woke up at 7:30, and the day has been long so far, with a ton of laundry. Because I was out for dinner, I don't know exactly what she ate, or what the cause was. We got through it, I guess that's the most important part.

Water Park

Because I spent the morning in the sun, I figured this nap would be a good time to update our blog. I have been tanning a bit in my front yard the last couple of weeks, doing a workout after, or just gardening a bit, so I haven't really been inside for any computer time. I do wear a light sunscreen, but since I can't go swimming to beat the heat, I do get some sun to keep a bit of summer feeling to myself. Remember pre kids, spending the whole day along side the river, tanning and jumping in whenever you get too hot? Ahhh....

Back to this morning, I took the girls to the water park again; we were there yesterday, as well. I met my old friend and her niece there, who is only a couple months older than Avery. It was awesome to hang out with her because she has been working with children in different daycares for roughly 8 years now, and she has the perfect energy with kids.

Miss Rowan is not afraid of the water.

I was able to come up with a creative solution for my recent troubles with Avery running off lately. Since going to the festival, a few weeks back, she thinks it is a blast to just run off. Yesterday at the water park, she kept doing it again and again, and knew I couldn't stop her, I felt annoyed, and like I had no control over her. Let's face it, yelling does not work. Who better to ask for advice then my girlfriend this morning? Out of a few terrific suggestions, I have now concluded that I will not carry them both into an outdoor situation, I will put Rowan in the double stroller, and Avery can walk along side me, following my new rule of either holding my hand, or the leashy thing attached to the Chariot. When we've settled into our destination, she will be warned once about running off, or whatever other bad thing she's testing her limit with, and have a time out, in the stroller. Really, this sounds so simple, but sometimes a suggestion from outside of the box, is exactly what I need.

Avery would rather play on the swing and toddler gym than get wet.

On our way to the park, Avery started yelling at me about her foot being stuck to her leg. I made her more mad because I started laughing. It was so funny! She is saying the most remarkable things these days, from funny to astonishing that she can put together quite complex little sentences. All of our time reading has really seemed to pay off, from counting to naming colours. as well as a huge foundation in words. I have been slacking on a baby book update, especially with the simplicity of our blog, but I am making a mental note to record these funny sayings somehow.

Rowan holding her mangey piece of watermelon, and loving walking, in the kiddy pool.

Avery after running, then falling face first into the pool. She shivered the rest of the time.

Rowan is getting good at the walking. It's been exactly one week now, and she's not ready to hold hands yet because she's mastering her own balance. She's also the kind of girl who needs to do things on her own time. Just like in utero, she came on her due date as scheduled, even though I believed she'd come earlier, like her sister. Rowan has always been in charge that way. Man, she's cute. I think she's saying ta-ta sometimes, as it's what we all seem to say to her the most, especially Avery. It's so much nicer than mine!

The girls are challenging at this time, but I am also so happy that they're toddlers. I love that Avery can communicate (most of the time), and that it's overall easier because of our routine. They sleep at the same time, and though it took a while to get here, life as a family of four is functional and happy.

Rowan is a Toddler

Guess who's walking? She officially started on Friday the 9th. Let's pray she's not as fast as her sister, or we may never leave home again.

Chocolate Love

For those of you who know my Avery, I found way too much personal satisfaction from her messy face. During this shot, she was eating her after nap snack of chocolate soy pudding, before going outside to freak out about getting dirty, Rowan getting dirty, her ponies getting dirty, my feet being dirty, and my favourite, "Mama's arms dirty" -- this actually being I may have let the underarm shave go a little longer than I should have. Ahem, back to the caption for this picture, Avery repeating, "I love chocolate," over and over and over again. My favourite part is how she had that wee chocolate mess on her face all the way until bath time. Mua haha- it's the little things in life, right?