LOVE

Dear Avery and Rowan,
You are the greatest creation I have ever had the chance to call my own. I am thankful for every little smile, cuddle, and joy.
I sometimes feel so frustrated because you are both so demanding at this age, and I sometimes lose focus on the big picture, and don't always handle things perfectly.
No matter what hardships we face, and emotions in all of our transitions and change, I adore the love you bring into my life.
Thank you both.
Love, Momma. xx

Buckling Down

I felt like the meanest Mommy at bed time tonight, almost to date. Avery didn't have a nap today, and so instead of fighting with her about it, meaning her cry for 2 hours straight, instead of simply giving in- which makes afternoons with her even more miserable..... I took her into my bed with a stack of books, and when we tired of that, I laid out a bunch of blankets on the floor, closed the blinds, and put on Monsters Inc. We only cuddled for about 20 minutes, her attention span is short, but I thought she'd be ok.

I made a sausage stir fry with nice roasted potatoes, I thought she would have at least liked the potatoes, but she wouldn't eat one single bite. This is when the mean Mommy moments began. I told her she would not be able to have any milk before bed if she did not eat. I reminded her 3 or 4 times, and mentioned Rowan would have her milk because she was gladly eating. One kid won't barely touch food, and the other pigs down everything in sight. (Except veggies - typical.)

Everything was going alright until bath time. We've had Aunty D over the last few nights, so Avery wouldn't sit down in the bath, and started screaming, "I want Mommy!" basically until my friend suggested she leaves, and maybe Avery just wanted some time alone with me. I was feeling the same thing, and was happy to nurture this request. If only life was so simple to fix for a two year old... She screamed every possible antic from then on out. After not letting me brush her teeth, I figured going to bed early was the best bet. Sorry, Rowan, you too will have your turn to punish your sister with your actions, but please don't run off in the park like she does!

Long story short, Avery screamed for about 40 minutes after putting her down. I couldn't even understand what she was saying. The mix of being tired, hungry, and completely exhausted was one of the worst melt downs I have ever seen. I have no idea how she does it, but Rowan just goes to and stays sleeping through her sister's crying. In fact, she is always the quiet one of the two.

So Moms, is it when they don't want to get up for school that I will catch my break, and get some sleep? When they care that it's Saturday morning, and they want to sleep in?


Hallowe'en-- This is the only picture I could get of them side by side. They wore their costumes to play group, but they move so darn fast, it's next to impossible to get that picture of them in the same frame, let alone smiling.

Big Girl?

Guess who went potty all by herself before bed tonight? This was extremely exciting, and I get why my other mom friends even made their facebook status mention their kids doing so. She has been so irritable not napping, and basically spends the majority of her day screaming at me, so any time I mention the potty I get a very firm no in response. Keep asking, and practicing patience is all I can offer.

Working on the Milk Wean

Day 2, no milkies. Going surprisingly really, really well. We had a little bit of a melt down this morning, but nothing a snuggle can't fix. I have been mixing all of my stocked supply of pumped milk with her formula to make the transition easier. Working and being apart for up to 2 days straight has been hard on my supply, and very uncomfortable for me. And that not being my only reason, I feel that 18 months has been a beautiful time, but the time is over on my side.

Avery may just be about there with the potty. She's been getting undressed, and asking for the potty. Nothing has happened yet, but I am prepared to spend the next few days at home, and really see if she wants to go. It's been a bit tricky when they both want to sit on it, but I am hoping this big change is quick and unmessy! Ha-ha!

Avery has also decided that she does not need to nap anymore. This really sucks. I mean I love a little chance to do fun things together, but I miss my little gap of rest and me time. I have always done the majority of everything by myself, but I miss the back up at night time. I am going to change her crib into a toddler bed again soon, but I will wait this potential potty time out first because I like to introduce big changes slowly and comfortably.

Word.

Autumn

It's been a busy month, still working through transition. I'm starting another new job, and I sure hope this one works out better than the last, and I find a happy medium to float happily through the next couple of years. When they're old enough, I'd like to get the girls into a daycare program, and go to school full time. Right now it's getting used to feeling lonely. And I am letting myself feel sad, especially at night when they're sleeping, and I really feel lonely. It's good for me to embrace the sadness, so the next time I am feeling love, I will be free of this to truly fall.

I'm so happy that I have a friendship with Steve. We took the girls to the pumpkin patch a couple of days ago. It was nice having that extra set of hands for melt downs, and his really fancy camera got some beautiful shots. It was first thing in the morning, so we had the whole field to ourselves. The girls loved the wagon ride, and the goats. I was able to buy a couple of sugar pumpkins, so you know I'll be baking some pies, and freezing left over puree. This is an open invite via blog to any girlfriends who like pie... I miss having a man to eat my treats; the girls get too whacky from sugar, and my muffin top jiggles. Mental image- ha ha.





My new place is great, nice and quiet, super clean. Any girl can make a place home. The girls are doing very well through everything. I had some behavioural problems with Avery more so in the beginning, but she is back to her fun self. I am making a very big effort to keep the phone talking to a minimum, and really focus on activities for the girls and I. These moments are now.



So what's new and fun regarding the girls? Leaving my parents new house after thanksgiving dinner, Rowan went one way down the street, and Avery the other, to their neighbours house. Avery says, "It looks like a cave," and walks right into their home. They're a friendly family, and they thought it was funny. Family memory there. Avery is becoming the little songstress, singing all kinds of little rhymes and songs. Her memory blows me away, and I hope reminds people to censor their bad language around children. I have been very careful to be choosy who they can be around for this reason. Sorry potty mouths, I have a real issue with that.

Rowan is getting her eye teeth, and is in some pain. She is pointing to her eyes and nose, calling them both eyes. Super cute. She says shoe, bye-bye, hi, eyes, Mommy. She is pretty good with her signs, she pats my leg for dog instead of her own. She is definitely the cuddle bug of the two, and is usually touching me all day. I am so used to it.



There have been many moments that I think about a fun subject to write about, it's just been finding the time...

I'm Back.

Hello again, blog world. It's taken some time, but I am now finally settled into my new place, and back on track with a fresh routine, and feeling a sense of relief. This has been a tough transition for me, and probably one of the hardest things I'll ever have to go through as a mother. It's different than any other break up because with the girls, life doesn't stop. There has been no time for me to stay in bed, or mope around, or really nurture myself. Which has left me run down, and I got sick for a while. Bla.

I suffered another great loss of someone I love 4 days before my moving day. Cory, the brother of Candice, who also passed in March. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest beating, as I was closer to them than my own siblings growing up. He died at the age off 33, from cystic fibrosis. I just wish I could have seen him one more time. And although I knew this time would come earlier for him than others, I mourn this loss deeply.


A great gift since being a mother, is this new found ability to mask emotion, and deal with it privately with more tact. I am so grateful to have my children because I think keeping busy and continuing the regular hum drum of day to day life has been getting me through. Though time does heal, I will never forget either Candi or Cory, and be constantly reminded of them. I picture their mannerisms, smell, laughter, and the sound of their voices, and I so wish to remember those things forever. A quote I often think of as a mantra in this is: "To live in the hearts we leave behind is not to die," Author unknown.

Leaving that subject completely, the girls are so much happier now. After a stretch without Steve, they get a little crazy, and the overnight break is really nice for me. I go to work, but when I get home to an empty house, it is pretty lonley to get used to. I haven't been sleeping at night, especially with my babies not being in the next room. I am trying to keep in perspective that these are the chances for a healthy out. Going to a yoga class, getting groceries without tantruming toddlers, and the best of all- SLEEPING IN! It could be so easy to go out for drinks with the girls, but that life style is behind me, and adjusting to being single needs to be happy and empowering, not hidden in the bottom of a beer bottle.

And so the task of blog posting is covered again, and I am now at a place to take care of regular updates.
-Jess

The Truth

The blog post. How I have been putting off a truthful update on my reality. And so I will sum up the truth sweet and simply.

The girls and I are moving into our own place. I am separating from my husband. I am making this choice because we fight way too much. It's not good for anyone, especially the girls. I know that leaving now will rid my heavy heart of all the negativity, and make me a better mother. Happy to love and be free with the girls. I also know that it would be easy to stay for just another couple of years, and it would make the change easier for myself with them being a bit older, but it isn't being true to myself, and I need to nurture my own heart.

Steve is an absolute stand up guy. He truly deserves love as much as anyone else. We are just not compatible. I really believe it's the little things in life, and with our different interests, we just don't mesh the same way. I realise that if I don't get out now, I will not be able to maintain a friendship with him, and I truly need to provide that for my children's sake. Like I said, I could easily stay a couple of years, they go so quickly, but I know I would leave and never be able to his friend.

I am actually happy about this. Of course I have some emotions to heal, but I feel like my heart is open and free again. I am eagerly anticipating a clean home, and my independence again. I require certain freedoms I have felt very desolute from, and withdrawn socially living out in the middle of nowhere. Don't get me wrong here, being a mother is my number one priority, and I am not looking to add partying in the mix by being social. I just want to be closer to my fellow mama sisters, and my parents. Being a hermit on a hobby farm may suit some folk, but I would rather be piss poor in a cardboard box, if it meant true happiness.

I have received so much love and support via facebook and email. I haven't been very good at responding yet. I am very thankful and find strength in that support. I've just been very careful to censor anything on the Internet right now because I am waiting for the storm to pass. Just making the relationship status change was big enough, let alone airing any dirty laundry in other ways.

And so here it is, the truth behind the split from myself. I am doing the best thing for my children. Good judgment comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgment.