I'm Back.

Hello again, blog world. It's taken some time, but I am now finally settled into my new place, and back on track with a fresh routine, and feeling a sense of relief. This has been a tough transition for me, and probably one of the hardest things I'll ever have to go through as a mother. It's different than any other break up because with the girls, life doesn't stop. There has been no time for me to stay in bed, or mope around, or really nurture myself. Which has left me run down, and I got sick for a while. Bla.

I suffered another great loss of someone I love 4 days before my moving day. Cory, the brother of Candice, who also passed in March. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest beating, as I was closer to them than my own siblings growing up. He died at the age off 33, from cystic fibrosis. I just wish I could have seen him one more time. And although I knew this time would come earlier for him than others, I mourn this loss deeply.


A great gift since being a mother, is this new found ability to mask emotion, and deal with it privately with more tact. I am so grateful to have my children because I think keeping busy and continuing the regular hum drum of day to day life has been getting me through. Though time does heal, I will never forget either Candi or Cory, and be constantly reminded of them. I picture their mannerisms, smell, laughter, and the sound of their voices, and I so wish to remember those things forever. A quote I often think of as a mantra in this is: "To live in the hearts we leave behind is not to die," Author unknown.

Leaving that subject completely, the girls are so much happier now. After a stretch without Steve, they get a little crazy, and the overnight break is really nice for me. I go to work, but when I get home to an empty house, it is pretty lonley to get used to. I haven't been sleeping at night, especially with my babies not being in the next room. I am trying to keep in perspective that these are the chances for a healthy out. Going to a yoga class, getting groceries without tantruming toddlers, and the best of all- SLEEPING IN! It could be so easy to go out for drinks with the girls, but that life style is behind me, and adjusting to being single needs to be happy and empowering, not hidden in the bottom of a beer bottle.

And so the task of blog posting is covered again, and I am now at a place to take care of regular updates.
-Jess

The Truth

The blog post. How I have been putting off a truthful update on my reality. And so I will sum up the truth sweet and simply.

The girls and I are moving into our own place. I am separating from my husband. I am making this choice because we fight way too much. It's not good for anyone, especially the girls. I know that leaving now will rid my heavy heart of all the negativity, and make me a better mother. Happy to love and be free with the girls. I also know that it would be easy to stay for just another couple of years, and it would make the change easier for myself with them being a bit older, but it isn't being true to myself, and I need to nurture my own heart.

Steve is an absolute stand up guy. He truly deserves love as much as anyone else. We are just not compatible. I really believe it's the little things in life, and with our different interests, we just don't mesh the same way. I realise that if I don't get out now, I will not be able to maintain a friendship with him, and I truly need to provide that for my children's sake. Like I said, I could easily stay a couple of years, they go so quickly, but I know I would leave and never be able to his friend.

I am actually happy about this. Of course I have some emotions to heal, but I feel like my heart is open and free again. I am eagerly anticipating a clean home, and my independence again. I require certain freedoms I have felt very desolute from, and withdrawn socially living out in the middle of nowhere. Don't get me wrong here, being a mother is my number one priority, and I am not looking to add partying in the mix by being social. I just want to be closer to my fellow mama sisters, and my parents. Being a hermit on a hobby farm may suit some folk, but I would rather be piss poor in a cardboard box, if it meant true happiness.

I have received so much love and support via facebook and email. I haven't been very good at responding yet. I am very thankful and find strength in that support. I've just been very careful to censor anything on the Internet right now because I am waiting for the storm to pass. Just making the relationship status change was big enough, let alone airing any dirty laundry in other ways.

And so here it is, the truth behind the split from myself. I am doing the best thing for my children. Good judgment comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgment.

Row's 1st Word

Oh you know, no big deal, really...
Rowan's first word is (Drum roll, please) ----> SHOE.
This is aside from Mama which was her true first months ago. Shoe happened after nap, and the girls kept saying it back and forth to each other.

Insanity is heriditary, you get it from your kids.

Here's what drives me crazy lately:
Two year old behaviours such as repeating, demanding, yelling, hitting, biting, and any other trait I can think of that is considered very irrational. By nap or bed time, I am just as irritable as they are. I wish Avery would ask for something once, and listen to the answer I am trying to give, instead of repeating the demand over and over. She almost reminds me of a pshyco who needs to be strapped into a straight jacket, the way she repeats herself. Also extremely annoying, I am still meeting her first request, and she starts demanding the next thing. Ugh.

Now Rowan has started biting back. She's not going to take it anymore. I get it. I let it. I can not turn my back on those two for 30 seconds. As soon as Avery knows I am out of sight, the hair pull, clothing pull, hitting, you name it begins. It is driving me bonkers! I hate that I have to plug them in, that is what I call it when I have them strapped into their high chairs, with a youtube video playlist going. I can't turn my eyes on them. I don't want them in the kitchen when I am making food. Pretty reasonable rule, but if I am not paying attention to them 24/9, they scale the windows, climb onto the table, throw books at each other, pull wires, etc.

I am going to be okay. I tell myself, and truly believe that this year will be hard, but that time will only make things easier. Otherwise, I may lose my sanity. I pictured having two babies so close in age would be loving, and playing along side each other, and didn't really remember that toddlers own everything, and aside from O.C.D. tendencies, they hoard.

I love my girls, but I do love nap time. Ha-ha.

Lately

Making dough for gluten free apple bread. Couldn't keep her from eating the rice flour. Bleck!


Avery's funny face while opening a brand new pony. I don't ever buy them toys, so this was a huge surprise for her.



Avery and Rowan wading around the kiddy pool at the water park.

Little Helpers

Child labour- start them while they're young.

Convo

Our after nap conversation today:
Avery- "I know it's a blanket."
Me- "That's because you are very smart."
Avery- "I know this is a shirt."
Me- "I'm glad that you know that."
Avery- "I know that's a diaper."
Me- "Yes, Avery you are very smart."
Avery- "Mama has eyes." <-- Maybe my lack of adult conversation, but this random switch sets me into a hysteric stupor.
Avery- "Daddy has eyes, Rowan has eyes, Capone has eyes," and after listing each family member, in a very matter of fact tone, indeed being equipped with a set of eyes, she demands Lady and the Tramp.
A conversation with a toddler may just be one of life's greatest treasures.